Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Getting a box of kleenex...

Last night we went to dinner at a friend's house and Little Man grabbed a bike, got on, and started to ride. No help, no training wheels, nothing. JUST STARTED RIDING. I was in total shock. I wanted to take a video of it but my phone has no flash, so it was useless. (It was dark out already...)
Tomorrow is his first day of school.
My boy is growing so fast.

Thursday, August 26, 2010

What do you say?

Coworker who lost his son came back to work this week. I stopped in and said hello. I didn't want to ask how he was doing. I didn't want to do the "head cocked to one side pity look". You know the look. I got it with my miscarraiges. I hated (HATE) that look. You want to scream "Don't fucking pity me!" to anyone that gives you the look. So I just stopped in, said hello, smiled, and walked away. He is very quiet, as is expected. I don't work in the same dept as him anymore so I don't know if he is talking to anyone really...
What I WANTED to do was hug him, and tell him that I understood. Even though my lost children were only inutero, I hadn't raised them for 18 years as he had with his son...but I understood. I know that at some point I will get to tell him.


My boy's first day of school is next week. Kindergarten. Now, I am not a SAHM so it's not like "he's leaving me" or anything...but it's still a big GIANT step.
He is growing so quickly, I often just stand back and watch him as he goes about his business. He doesn't want to take tub baths anymore, now he wants to shower. He doesn't want me to wash his hair, soap him up...he can do it. (I peek through the curtain or call out reminders about washing certain areas...) He wants to dress himself completely, doesn't even want help with his socks or shoes.
We as parents need to learn to let go, I know. They can't be babies for ever, I know. But why does it make me so sad?

Friday, August 06, 2010


I don't like to add co-workers to my facebook page. I get paranoid and feel they are spying on me. I have gone as far as creating a "friend list" of the few co-workers I *do* have on my page, and omitting them from any status updates I do during the day. Funny how one of my friends here at work (she and I were friends before working here, and of course SHE is on my fb...) just came to me and told me that another co-worker asked where I was. She said "Well, if she isn't at her desk, she is probably in the bathroom or making copies or something...did you need her?" Other co-worker says "No, I meant on fb."
Hell to the mother effing no...

Wednesday, August 04, 2010


I got the news Monday morning. Open work e-mail and there it is: "Co-Worker has lost his son in a car accident..."
I lost it.
Monday morning. 8 a.m.

I lost it.

No parent should ever have to bury their FUCKING CHILDREN. This is UNACCEPTABLE.

18 years old. Just graduated high school. Has his whole life ahead of him.


Today was the wake, I went with K my office mate, and her sister. They come from the same small town as Co-Worker. Standing in the receiving line my mind was a mess. I needed a distraction. I noticed the girl standing in front of us had a safety pin holding her skirt together. It kept my mind off of the reason I was in this line. K would say things, she had been here before. Same funeral home. For her nephew. A car accident years ago.
"Same wallpaper."
Why wouldn't she wear another shirt to cover that safety pin?
"Oh, Look at so-and-so, I haven't seen her since High School."
She has to know people can see the damn thing.
"Sister, do you remember him? From the dry cleaners?"
Why do I care about this safety pin?

I paid my respects to my co-worker and his family.

I said hello and good-bye to his 18 year year old baby.

I drove home with the radio turned waaay too loud.

I grabbed my children and didn't let go for so long, they actually complained.
They are too young to understand.


I had spoken to K about what people would say about this. About why it happened. She said to me "When my nephew went, someone actually told my sister it was meant to be. I thought she would spit in their face." I get that. Why would it be "meant to be" to take such a young life? Why can't we all die old and wrinkled and full of happiness, peacefully in our sleep. I think like a child. I can't help it.