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Diana

from: Diana Rosado

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life. is. not. fair.

I have a friend that turned 32 yesterday. On Friday she has an appointment with a  neurologist to see if she has ALS. She has  10 year old son  that played football with my son. Reading up on ALS, there's one line that sticks in my mind... "...rapidly progressive, invariably fatal neurological disease..."

She's 32.

Only 32.

My little man and his friend collided while playng basketball yesterday. I spent the majority of the night in the ER with him, because Dad looked at his nose and felt it didn't look right. We walked out of there after hours of waiting to be seen for 20 seconds by a useless doctor with a diagnosis of "Nasal Contusion, possible fracture."
We have a follow-up appointment on Tuesday to get x-rays taken to see if there is a fracture.
It's fun being the mother of a boy...
I have contemplated digging out an old Halloween mask to let him wear in public until the bruised nose/eyes heal. I can't stand the dirty looks I get from people that think I punched the kid in the face...

Anger.

There are no words to explain my frustration that when I get mad I cry. I'm not crying because I'm sad, I'm crying because of the amount and the intensity of my anger. Don't mistake me for a weakling dumbfuck. It's worse for YOU if I'm crying.

Which way....

...is the wind blowing? I'd like to go that way, please.

Excuse me while I kiss the sky.

I have two stints of alone time every day. Literally TWO. The first one is the half hour between dropping my son off at school and driving to work. The second is the half hour between driving from work to pick him up.
During that half hour I am not someone's mother, I am not someone's wife. I am not someone's administrator. I am just me.
I turn my Pandora on, connect the phone to the radio and whatever station is on, I play it all the way up. Sometimes I sing along, much to the entertainment of my fellow traffick jammers, and I don't care.

I do a mean drum solo on my steering wheel.

I have found that the second stint of me time helps peel the day off of me and I can shed my work persona. The days aggravations, stresses, everything has GOT to leave me before I get my children. They are not the reason I work with pricks, they don't need to see the way my job gets me.

I wonder what music I will play tomorrow...

Whoa there...

Apparently Blogger has made many many changes in my absence. Interesting. I am going to have to take a tour to get to know this place a little better.
Update: My kids are old. LOL...
Little Man is 7 and my Princess is 5. Oy...
....and now to get back into a groove...

Big Baby = MY baby

i let the boy stay up past his bedtime so we could watch bolt together. he turned to me twice and said i love this night. i smiled and whispered me toooooo. he fell asleep before the movie was over and i am now watching it alone...

i can still carry my six year old son up the stairs to his bed. he is still my baby.

also why does writing a post from an adroid suck...cant puntuate unless you use the touch screen keypad...weird

w.t.f

my mind is in an ugly place. i dont know how to get it back to where it needs to be. and no one gives a shit.

wonderful.

what a clusterfuck of stupidity.

Restless.

I am sitting to write. I am sitting. That, in itself is big time. Even at work I can't even sit. I can't concentrate long enough to form full sentences here anymore. Too much going on. My head may explode. UGH!

 

Yesterday Little Man "stole" markers from his teacher. How do you react to that? I was enraged. MY BABY does not take things that do not belong to him (yes he does now doesn't he?) I tried not to yell. I did try. But I was so ANGRY, "DUDE! You can't take stuff that doesn't belong to you! YOU HAVE A TON OF MARKERS HERE why do you want HERS?!?" "I don't know." is all I got. Today he went to school with her markers and a note saying he was sorry and he would never do it again, written by him.

He is biting his nails again. I am applying that nasty nail polish to prevent this and he seems to be picking the nail polish off so he can THEN bite his nails. "DUDE! Why are you doing that?" "I don't know."

I want to punch him every time he says I DON'T KNOW.

 

He is excelling in school, to say something great. He is reading along with me when I read to them before bed. The Diva is, too. I feel she will be super advanced by the time she gets into school (maybe pre-K this September?) I actually have him reading some of the easier books (Oh Dr. Seuss how I love you!) His math skills are awesome, his handwriting is improving if he takes his time. (He wants to do everything fast, everything is a race. Is this mostly with boys??)

 

Work is...

 

Ugh.

 

I am happy to be employed. I am grateful for this job, but sometimes...SOMETIMES...smh.

 

*sigh*

 

I think I will treat us to a dinner OUT, if I don't get any bad reports from school for Little Man. I don't reward bad behavior...but obviously I don't know how to keep it from happening either. I need to do something good for us for no damn reason. I am having an awesomely bad fucking week.

 

Christmas.

"The 12 pains of Christmas" is the best Christmas song ever. Nothing but honesty, really.

 

My daughter has become obsessed with Christmas music. This has only happened within the last week or so, when we are in the car we HAVE to have Christmas music on. I am such a grinch, I really don't like listening to it, but seeing the way she lights up and tries to keep up with the words of the songs (which I must say she is learning very quickly) it makes me smile, and I actually sing along with her. *sigh* the things kids make you do.

 

RED ALERT!!!!!

Facebook has been blocked at work. And my computer is on the fritz at home, so we don't even use it. My only connection is through my cell phone, and that takes so long to load I give up rather quickly.

GRRRRRR.

Now I have to get my puter fixed at home, and I was hoping to not HAVE to do that till after the Holidays.

 

 

GRRRRRRR.....

 

Stupid people with their stupid blocks...

 

Seems different....

There's something different about my Little Man.

School had changed him. Yeah, he's only been there four days, but he is...different.

 

He is more calm. He is offering to help with things.

 

Don't get me wrong, I love it. But I can tell that the real growing process has begun...and I just don't know how to feel. My baby is not a baby anymore...

 

*sigh*

 

 

Getting a box of kleenex...

Last night we went to dinner at a friend's house and Little Man grabbed a bike, got on, and started to ride. No help, no training wheels, nothing. JUST STARTED RIDING. I was in total shock. I wanted to take a video of it but my phone has no flash, so it was useless. (It was dark out already...)

Tomorrow is his first day of school.

My boy is growing so fast.

Coworker who lost his son came back to work this week. I stopped in and said hello. I didn't want to ask how he was doing. I didn't want to do the "head cocked to one side pity look". You know the look. I got it with my miscarraiges. I hated (HATE) that look. You want to scream "Don't fucking pity me!" to anyone that gives you the look. So I just stopped in, said hello, smiled, and walked away. He is very quiet, as is expected. I don't work in the same dept as him anymore so I don't know if he is talking to anyone really...

 

What I WANTED to do was hug him, and tell him that I understood. Even though my lost children were only inutero, I hadn't raised them for 18 years as he had with his son...but I understood. I know that at some point I will get to tell him.

 

Firsts

My boy's first day of school is next week. Kindergarten. Now, I am not a SAHM so it's not like "he's leaving me" or anything...but it's still a big GIANT step.

He is growing so quickly, I often just stand back and watch him as he goes about his business. He doesn't want to take tub baths anymore, now he wants to shower. He doesn't want me to wash his hair, soap him up...he can do it. (I peek through the curtain or call out reminders about washing certain areas...) He wants to dress himself completely, doesn't even want help with his socks or shoes.

*SIGH*

We as parents need to learn to let go, I know. They can't be babies for ever, I know. But why does it make me so sad?

 

Laughing...

I don't like to add co-workers to my facebook page. I get paranoid and feel they are spying on me. I have gone as far as creating a "friend list" of the few co-workers I *do* have on my page, and omitting them from any status updates I do during the day. Funny how one of my friends here at work (she and I were friends before working here, and of course SHE is on my fb...) just came to me and told me that another co-worker asked where I was. She said "Well, if she isn't at her desk, she is probably in the bathroom or making copies or something...did you need her?" Other co-worker says "No, I meant on fb."

HA!

Hell to the mother effing no...

 

Unacceptable.

I got the news Monday morning. Open work e-mail and there it is: "Co-Worker has lost his son in a car accident..."
I lost it.
Monday morning. 8 a.m.

I lost it.

No parent should ever have to bury their FUCKING CHILDREN. This is UNACCEPTABLE.

18 years old. Just graduated high school. Has his whole life ahead of him.

Had.


Today was the wake, I went with K my office mate, and her sister. They come from the same small town as Co-Worker. Standing in the receiving line my mind was a mess. I needed a distraction. I noticed the girl standing in front of us had a safety pin holding her skirt together. It kept my mind off of the reason I was in this line. K would say things, she had been here before. Same funeral home. For her nephew. A car accident years ago.
"Same wallpaper."
Why wouldn't she wear another shirt to cover that safety pin?
"Oh, Look at so-and-so, I haven't seen her since High School."
She has to know people can see the damn thing.
"Sister, do you remember him? From the dry cleaners?"
Why do I care about this safety pin?

I paid my respects to my co-worker and his family.

I said hello and good-bye to his 18 year year old baby.

I drove home with the radio turned waaay too loud.

I grabbed my children and didn't let go for so long, they actually complained.
They are too young to understand.

UNACCEPTABLE.

I had spoken to K about what people would say about this. About why it happened. She said to me "When my nephew went, someone actually told my sister it was meant to be. I thought she would spit in their face." I get that. Why would it be "meant to be" to take such a young life? Why can't we all die old and wrinkled and full of happiness, peacefully in our sleep. I think like a child. I can't help it.

UNACCEPTABLE.

Because they are never too big for my lap...

Yesterday we went to a lake, and then went to a friend's house to watch movies. Since they were so exhausted from playing at the lake (and "swimming") and also playing with tons of toys at the friend's house...my babies came to cuddle with me and fall asleep on my lap. Both of them. Never in a million years will I turn them away - but hell when my legs started to fall asleep shortly after they had...WHOA. LOL!!! I quickly decided it was time to go home.

I have reopened the discussion of having my tubes tied. Daddy shrugs and says "If that's what you want..."

NO. NO IT IS NOT WHAT I WANT. I want the possibility of having more babies. I want the OPTION. But this IUD is making me into a COW and I don't want another baby (or miscarraige thankyouverymuch) RIGHT NOW...



Who freaking knows.

*SIGH*