Take the good with the bad...

that's how I see things.

Let's pretend I"m happy again shall we?

I'm feeling very Betty Crocker-ish today but when I looked in the fridge all I had was one egg. So my baking will consist of corn muffins, because that's all I have that requires one egg. Why anyone didn't tell me (daddy...) that there was only one egg left is beyond me.

My car has decided to be really warm, and not in a good way. Over-heating. So far we have changed the thermostat, the radiator & fan and it's still over heating....all that's left is the head gasket. Piece of shit. I'm so angry with my car right now.

Meme#2 as promised.

Ms. Bikini tagged me for this. So blame her for my failure. LOL!
In her words:

The meme originated over an idea that was prompted by the book written by Larry Smith & Rachel Fershleiser, Not Quite What I Was Planning: Six Word Memoirs by Writers Famous & Obscure. It’s a compilation based on the story that Hemingway once bet ten dollars that he could sum up his life in six words. His words were, “For Sale: Baby Shoes, Never Worn.”

Here are the rules:

1. Write your own six word memoir.
2. Post it to your blog including a visual illustration if you would like.
3. Link to the person who tagged you in your post and to this original post if possible so we can track it as it travels across the blogsphere
4. Tag 5 more blogs with links
5. Don’t forget to leave a comment in the tagged blogs with an invitation to play

I didn't come up with six words. My five words came to me and have settled in my head. They will actually end up being the cause of my next bout with depression, I just know it.

WHAT IF THIS IS IT?

I look at my life, at our life and that is always what I think... the constant struggle, the penny pinching, the craptastic piece of shit that it is.
I don't think we will ever be more than this and it kills me inside. We will never move into another house because this. is. it. This is what we can afford. Barely. I will always have to deal with the bullshit from upstairs. I will always cry because I can't put laundry away because we have two closets and one is full of shit that is still packed from when we fucking moved here. I will always be wondering what could be but won't be.
Half of my fucking paycheck goes to childcare and that's a personal babysitter, it isn't even daycare where I will be paying what I pay now - EXCEPT FOR ONE KID ONLY. Why am I working again? Daddy will never get a better job. He will always be here working 28 fucking hours instead of a full schedule. Thinking positive has gotten me no fucking where. It's gotten me a head full of bullshit. Unreachable dreams. It's made my depression worse because the false hopes I carry just cloud the obvious.
This. is. it.
I can't go back to school. If I stop working we're fucked. If he stops working we're fucked. But, it looks like we're fucked anyway.
STUCK.
If I can't go back to school I can never make more money.
STUCK.
THIS. IS. IT.
I don't want my kids to grow up like this.
I didn't want to grow up like this.

Bikini, I'm sorry I've gone and ruined the meme...
those really were the five words I had come up with and they fucked my head all up.

i owe you...

meme #2 has been put aside. See, for some reason my brain registered FIVE words were needed for this meme and I spent all day trying to figure out what my five words would be,...and then I went to Bikini's page to re-read the instructions before I posted...
and wouldn't you know it's six words...
Now I have to come up with six words that make sense...
And I had a whole post written in my head explaining my five words...
dammit!
So the meme is postponed one more day...don't kill me Bikini.

Remain Active

There comes a time in ones life when the arthritis kicks in...
when the knees just aren't working like they used to and taking a bath is hard work. This becomes especially difficult for those who don't have shower stalls, just tubs, because getting in and out of the tub requires a lot of leg work.
Having a walkin tub helps these people out a whole lot. The door opens for easy entry and exit with a low threshold for easy stepping. Safety bar and built-in safety seat make for extreme peace of mind for you and your loved ones. The package is topped off with a hand-held shower head for easy rinsing.
Consider a walk-in tub for anyone you know that may be having difficulty getting in and out of the tub but doesn't want anyone there physically helping them. This may make their lives a little easier.

Meme #1

I have received two meme's in the past week. I haven't gotten one in ages, I thought people forgot I existed, and now that I have been tagged I can't even find the time to write them. But I am doing them both! Because I care! Just not both today, so this one was received first, and tomorrow I will do the next one. This one was actually sent through e-mail by one of my co-workers... but I liked it enough to post here. Of course I had to change the names and I can't think on the spot so the nicknames are half-assed and stupid. But you get the idea. Now I must sleep! I won't tag anyone individually since I'm going to ave to do that for the next one - but how's this? if you're blocked, do it! If you want to do it, then do it! Just let me know if you did it so I can read your answers!
Enjoy.


Welcome to the 2008 edition of getting to know your friends.

Okay, here's what you're supposed to do, and try not to be lame and

Spoil the fun.

Copy this entire email and paste into a new email that you can send,

Change all the answers so that they apply to you. Then send this to a

Whole bunch of people you know, INCLUDING the person that sent it to you.

Some of you may get this several times (that means you have lots of

Friends).

1. What is your occupation? I'm not quite sure...I don't think they gave me a title...

2. What color are your socks right now? no socks, bare feet

3. What are you listening to right now? the fan keeping the babies cool

4. What was the last thing that you ate? rice and steak (yum!)

5. Can you drive a stick shift? yes

6. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? blue

7. Last person you spoke to on the phone? Skinny Guat. he was looking for Daddy.

8. Do you like the person who sent this to you? of course, she keeps me sane at work.

9. How old are you today? 25. The age I'll be forever...lol!

10. Favorite drink? Soda. or Water. Really cold ice water.

11. What is your favorite sport to watch?sports are boring. well, sometimes car racing..but even that gets boring too...

12. Have you ever dyed your hair? No but I want to

13. Pets? Little Man, Baby Girl, and Daddy. LOL! (Do they count?)

14. Favorite food? Anything. I'm a food person.

15. Last movie you watched? Welcome Home Roscoe Jenkins, and it was funny as hell!

16. Favorite Day of the year? ???DUNNO???

17. What do you do to vent your anger? I listen to music very. very loud in my car. Or call someone and cry like a baby. But usually the car thing.

18. What is your favorite season? summer, summer, summer-time

19. What was your favorite toy as a child? Barbies.

20. Hugs or kisses? both please!

21. Cherry or Blueberry? uummm on what?

22. Do you want your friends to email you back? Hell yes.

23. Who is most likely to respond? Bestie1, in about three months.

24. Who is least likely to respond? Bestie2 And my sister.

25. What happened to Ricky Martin? Didn't he get swallowed by a whale or something?

26. When was the last time you cried? Few days ago.

27. What is on the floor of your closet? Shoes. And some towels and sheets that fell on top of me the other day and I can't reach the shelf to put them back up...

28. Who is the friend you have had the longest that you are sending this to? My sister.

29. Who is the friend you have had the shortest? (3 co-workers)

30. Favorite smells? My babies.

31. Who inspires you? My babies.

32. What are you afraid of? Not being prepared.

33. Plain, cheese or spicy hamburgers? yummmm...spicy....

34. Favorite car? Mine.

35. Favorite cat breed? none. I'm not really a cat person anymore.

36. Number of keys on your key ring? Really - 8. According to Daddy I'm a janitor.

37. How many years at your current job? Ha, years... 4 months at my current position. 6 months with the company itself.

38. Favorite day of the week? Saturdays.

39. How many states have you lived in? two? I think? maybe three...

40. Do you think you're funny? I crack myself up.

41. What do you do when you are bored? sorry, I don't have time to be bored. My children don't allow that. It's against their rules.

42. What time do you get up in the morning? Whenever Baby Girl feels like it. She seems to be under the impression that I'm a morning person. Someone needs to school her.

43. What do you wash first hair or body? Hair.

44. Favorite TV show? Can't follow anything steadily, but I really like anything funny. I need funny.

Does anyone do it anymore?

And by do it I mean say something in their head before they let it come out of their mouth...

today - overheard - was "I don't like watching basketball because it makes me think of having black man sweat all over me."

WHAT?????????

I was standing next to a black man, a co-worker and friend of mine, and I turned more red than i have ever turned in my life, and the words didn't even come out of my mouth. He was pissed, as he should have been.

Now here's my issue. I know racism exists, I know there are still some very closed minded people out there that are entitled to their opinions as am I, but do they really have to ignorantly say shit like that out loud? I was so hurt for my friend.

So frikkin tired...

I'm exhausted. Story of my life, really. My baby girl seems to be getting some new chompers in...I believe it's the top ones this time, and boy does she need her parents. Only at night. While we're asleep.
The other night she woke up at 3 a.m and wouldn't sleep unless it was on my chest. I didn't sleep a wink after that since I'm usually on my side or my stomach to sleep, so I was super uncomfortable. Tonight she is on Daddy's chest, they are in the living room right now...Daddy had put her to sleep on the bed (GAH! NO!!!) and she woke up as soon as I transferred her to her crib. Hmmmm, I don't think so Ms. Missy, it's bad enough your big brother is kicking me out of my own bed, you aren't going to do it too...
Funny how I have actually moved my self to the couch no less than three times in the last week, because Daddy's lazy ass puts her in the bed when she wakes up and with the four of us in the bed, it just ain't cutting it. My son sleeps spread-eagle, my daughter has to be literally under someone, and my husband is 6 feet tall. It's a queen sized bed, yes, but it's not big enough for all of us.

The pooping: I've been giving her prunes. She loves them, the thing is (and this happened when she was a baby, too) is that sometimes it gives her explosive diapers. I'm trying to give her one a day or every other day or so...Apple or pear juice used to work with my son (still does actually) but I haven't seen much difference with her and juices. (Unless it's prune juice of course...) We'll see.

It's late and I should be sleeping...

Should be...

Irritation about constipation

Without getting into details - does a-prune-a-day work for constipated babies?
My poor baby girl...

Anything you guys have tried that has worked... suggest away!

I can't drive...

My sister in law asked Daddy to recharge her AC in the car. So we took her car to the garage where Daddy did just that. Daddy sends me to the store to buy some water since it was hella hot (this happened yesterday) and I get in the car...and start looking for the clutch to start the car with...

My car is a stick.

Her car is not.

Daddy noticed and laughed at me and says "You think you can handle an automatic???"

Hardee-frikkin-har-har Funny Guy.

I pulled out of the garage and got to the corner...and immediately put my foot 'down' on the 'clutch', and my hand went to the shifter to downshift...

I couldn't do it. I couldn't drive a frikkin automatic without trying to hit the clutch or change gears or anything. I laughed at myself, because I never thought that driving a stick could turn into such a habit...


Meanwhile here's a pic that was taken today of Friend's Demon Child and my son...they were going for a bike ride with Big Guy (friend's hubby) We went by their house today for a quick visit...we haven't been there in a while. It was alright. Eh.

At home today...

The heat index for our area today is in the red zone, so I stayed. I know the sitter has an AC but I also know she would feel bad just leaving Little Man in the house all day, and she would let him outside. That is where the danger is, this stagnant air we have here right now is what triggers the attacks. So he's here destroying my home after it was pretty decently clean for a few days. HA. I'm doing all types of rain dances so these thunder storms will come and cool this place off already.
I will be writing here all day today. This is the end of the first entry, because they need to eat.
(Hey my layout is fixed YAY!)

***I did want to add - that new little box I have over on the top of the sidebar about the food allergies is NOT AN AD. I AM NOT GETTING PAID TO HAVE IT THERE. I joined the Kids With Food Allergies mailing list and they have the widgets available for anyone who wants to share them. I have it up because I don't know if anyone else knows anyone with food allergies but it's important to know what food are popping up with allergens. Like- my son is allergic to tree nuts and peanuts. Severely allergic. Guess what has traces of peanut oil in it?

• 
  

• Minute Maid HeartWise® orange juice is made with plant esterols derived from highly refined peanut or soy oil.
  
  
  Important label reading points: 1) Different varieties of the same product can have different ingredients. 2) Highly refined oils like soybean oil or peanut oil have an exemption from the FALCPA labeling law that went into effect in 2006. Manufacturers are not required to clearly label products with highly refined oils with the plain English terms of the common allergens "peanut" or "soy.
• 
  

Nice huh? Who would have thought that orange juice would have peanut oil in it? I love their e-mails because it makes me aware of what's going on...otherwise I wouldn't know where to look. (Also I wouldn't give my son that type of OJ because it's really for lowering cholesterol...but still good to know.)

Sweaty

I came home soaked just from the drive from work.
Daddy stayed home with Little Man today 'just in case'.
He was fine, but I'm still nervous about sending him to the sitter tomorrow.
I have to give him a bath right now (and I'm sitting here...) and hook him up to the machine before he falls asleep on me.
I've tentatively let my bosses know I may not be in tomorrow 'just in case'.
My sitter thinks I could end up fired...

(My son just came to me and said 'hurry up mommy I have to take a bath' he's too cute for words.)
So i'll go and give him a bath then...
P.S - AJW - if you stop by here, shoot me an e-mail.

Were we in hell today???

It's only the first week of June and today was the hottest HOTTEST day ever...
and we didn't even reach 100 like they did down south...

I went to run some errands with my mother and the kids for a couple hours and by the time we were done, we were all tired and cranky and HOT. For some reason, even though my car is the 'top model' Civic, it doesn't have air conditioning.
Did you read that part??? TOP MODEL- that's an EX - CIVIC WITH NO AC!!!
Yeah, we were dying. I came home with the kids, we all took a nice long nap, but when we woke up Little Man had a nasty scary asthma attack. I didn't leave the house for the rest of the day, canceling our plans to go to a cook-out at a friend's house. He's had to get pumped a few times already, and I gave him the nebulizer after his bath, and he is still breathing a little funny for my taste...I don't think I'll be sleeping tonight. Daddy is so relaxed when it comes to the attacks, while I'm all frantic (but efficient I must say...I can now get them under control very quickly thank you very much!) The poor kid gets pukey when he gets attacks, and was dry heaving for a bit before the meds kicked in. I felt so bad cause I know he was hot and doesn't want to be feeling this way...

We had an appointment with the allergist this morning, our follow-up to the scratch test. "Keep giving him milk, but let's take the eggs away for three weeks and see if they may be the underlying cause of his eczema. That could be the allergic reaction they are giving him." So no eggs for him for a while. New appointment in August. Let's see...

Stupid layout

I don't know what's going on with my layout, why my sidebar has decided to travel to the bottom of the page. I haven't been able to see my page for a long time, I would write through my e-mail, so I don't even know how long this has been this way...anyone wanna clue me in as to how long, so I can take a stab on why it's like this...?
I tried changing the layout but that didn't work.
***Bikini...Ms. Blog Expert, if YOU know of anything, feel free to share!***

My daughter just came to me with the remote control, I take it she doesn't want to watch what my son is watching...

In the midst of my mental storm...

I still had promised pictures of my babies from the baptism...so here they are: my Prince and Princess...enjoy! ... Here's my boy, I don't know, maybe he was doing a basketball shot?
Here is the Princess.
Here are my sister's step-children "hanging" outside with Little Man.
Here is Baby Girl pulling my hair... Here is the group shot: from the left: My cousin who is Little Man's Godfather, Daddy, Me and the kids, the priest, my sister who is Little Man's Godmother, my mother, Daddy's mother who was standing in for Baby's Godmother who couldn't make it, and my sister's boyfriend who is Baby's Godfather.
It was an event to remember, Little Man says in the middle of the service in a very loud voice "Can we go home now?"
There were more pictures taken, but I'm still waiting for everyone to e-mail them to me since I couldn't play photographer that day.
There a shot of Little Man picking his nose...classic! Can't wait to get it!

I need...

I need a boost.
I'm still not doing well (mentally) I still feel so depressed but I have to wear the smile and go about my day. I can't hold it in much longer. I dont even know what's wrong...

I came in from work today and Daddy was already home with the kids and he had an attitude from God knows where. okay, so if you're stressed out don't take it out on me, my fuckin life is not all peaches and roses but i dont get bitchy with you.

i need a friend. i've gone back to keeping everyone at arm's length again. i dont know why... maybe i just dont want anyone to see how miserable i am.

i stay away from my family. i stay away from everyone. i dont want to.
i hate this.
i hate myself for feeling this way.

i hate that i dont know how to make it better.