Monday, June 23, 2008

Meme#2 as promised.

Ms. Bikini tagged me for this. So blame her for my failure. LOL!
In her words:
The meme originated over an idea that was prompted by the book written by Larry Smith & Rachel Fershleiser, Not Quite What I Was Planning: Six Word Memoirs by Writers Famous & Obscure. It’s a compilation based on the story that Hemingway once bet ten dollars that he could sum up his life in six words. His words were, “For Sale: Baby Shoes, Never Worn.”

Here are the rules:
  1. Write your own six word memoir.
  2. Post it to your blog including a visual illustration if you would like.
  3. Link to the person who tagged you in your post and to this original post if possible so we can track it as it travels across the blogsphere
  4. Tag 5 more blogs with links
  5. Don’t forget to leave a comment in the tagged blogs with an invitation to play

I didn't come up with six words. My five words came to me and have settled in my head. They will actually end up being the cause of my next bout with depression, I just know it.

WHAT IF THIS IS IT?

I look at my life, at our life and that is always what I think... the constant struggle, the penny pinching, the craptastic piece of shit that it is.
I don't think we will ever be more than this and it kills me inside. We will never move into another house because this. is. it. This is what we can afford. Barely. I will always have to deal with the bullshit from upstairs. I will always cry because I can't put laundry away because we have two closets and one is full of shit that is still packed from when we fucking moved here. I will always be wondering what could be but won't be.
Half of my fucking paycheck goes to childcare and that's a personal babysitter, it isn't even daycare where I will be paying what I pay now - EXCEPT FOR ONE KID ONLY. Why am I working again? Daddy will never get a better job. He will always be here working 28 fucking hours instead of a full schedule. Thinking positive has gotten me no fucking where. It's gotten me a head full of bullshit. Unreachable dreams. It's made my depression worse because the false hopes I carry just cloud the obvious.
This. is. it.
I can't go back to school. If I stop working we're fucked. If he stops working we're fucked. But, it looks like we're fucked anyway.
STUCK.
If I can't go back to school I can never make more money.
STUCK.
THIS. IS. IT.
I don't want my kids to grow up like this.
I didn't want to grow up like this.

Bikini, I'm sorry I've gone and ruined the meme...
those really were the five words I had come up with and they fucked my head all up.

4 comments:

Bikini said...

Sweetie, you have *not* ruined the meme. You did exactly what the "rules" were (except for that counting thing, but then, a well placed "dammit" or "sh*t" at the end would have fixed that). I'm so sorry it's rough for you guys right now. I don't want to offer assvice because I don't know all the details of what's going on, but if there's anything I can do, let me know.

DD said...

I have no idea of what things are like for you both, but always remember that YOU are the only one that controls YOUR future. Sometimes sitting back and looking at it like you did with this meme is the kick in the pants you need.

dennis said...

what if this were it?

well, i'd have to say that there was a lot of fucking going on...

Diana said...

bikini - you know for some reason when you comment it doesn't show up in my e-mail. Just an FYI.
dennis - you're an ass. you crack me up. thanks.

for all three of you - thanks for even reading I'm surprised I haven't chased you all away yet...
hopefully things can get better...
really, thank you for being YOU.