Friday, June 15, 2007

I broke down

At my 6-week post partum check-up I'm going to accept a list of therapists from my gyno.

Yesterday was a bad day for me. Daddy called me at three telling me that he was on his way home from work. "YAY!" was all I could think. "FINALLY!"
Four Thirty came around and still no sign of him. I called him, on the verge of tears..."Where are you?" It may have come out a little stronger than I intended, due to the immense stress I felt. "At work, Man Whore came to order some parts and we're here talking." "You said you were coming home two hours ago." Now I just sounded naggy, I heard it myself but couldn't stop it. "Diana, I'll be home soon. I'm leaving right now."
I threw my phone down and just started bawling like a child. My poor son left his movie to come ask me what was wrong and I felt like an asshole for even letting him see me this way. My son should never have to see me cry.
WHen Daddy walked through the door, I thought I had collected myself. I had washed my face, took a few deep breaths, and I figured it was just a moment of hormonal shift. (I was put on birth control pills until we decide if we want to tie my tubes or not. That's another story.) But I looked at him and I broke down again. "I want to get out of this house." was all I could say to him. He hugged me and started asking me questions.
Here is what we established: The baby decided she didn't want to sleep at all that day, so I was up, too.
Little Man still doesn't want to listen to me.
Little Man thankfully hasn't been jealous with the baby but he wants to help and thinks he is big enough to hold her and feed her and burp her so I'm constantly having to tell him to get away from her.
I can't go anywhere while he's at work, because he takes the car. (His got banged up, remember?)

So I lost it.
We decided to see how the next few days go, to see if it was just a momentary thing, and if I feel like that again that I would call the insurance myself and get a list of doc's, if not then I can wait two weeks to talk to my gyno, whose opinion and recommendations I trust. The insurance company...well, they are stupid and the last time I asked them for the number to a therapist they gave me the number to a rehab place. Hmmm...

So funny how Nita just commented on me accepting anyone's help...I would if anyone was offering. I've hinted to my sister to start taking Little Man for a few hours a week just to give me a break and no go. She isn't too good at hints, but I also don't want to start worrying people and losing it in front of them, too. My mother's knee has been bothering her (the doc says she has a gout) so her taking Little Man is kinda...ehhhh....
So I'm taking it one day at a time, that's all I can do.
I was okay today. She slept, Little Man listened a tiny bit...
still...
*sigh*
I think it's the pills.

6 comments:

nita said...

whew.

a woman i know went on the pill right after delivery and it was the same thing - but worse. i really think it's too hard on the body to add more hormones that it has no idea where they're coming from. my 2 cents....they still make condoms ;)

little man *will* give you the business. that's why it's important for you to take care of you! ask you SIL if she's slow on the uptake. she may totally surprise you. but i would suggest you be specific:
any chance you could take him to the park mon and fri from 1-4? if she can commit to a certain timeframe, you can count on that and it will bring you relief. my memory of infanthood is jumping from one expected break to the next... it's exhausting. and frustrating. and it gets really really amazing. as soon as she is able, she'll be so delighted with little man that it gives you a break!

it gets great. keep writing. it helps to know you're not alone.

xxx

Pam, aka Zach & Brie's Mom said...

Oh, Diana. You know what I went through, so you know my bias. I don't doubt that you just had a bad day that coincided with your daughter's bad day. I don't have experience with taking the pill after childbirth, but I also had a friend that did and she also when through the same thing.

Like Nita, I found when the kids were little that I jumped from one event to the next - whether it was a TV show or knowing that Garrett would take care of the kids for a little bit. My life was a series of milestones at that point.

Hang in there - talk to your gyn- she should have some recommendations. Do you have any other friends there with kids Little Man's age? Even if you can arrange to get together with them, even if it's not a "dedicated" care taking, the whole "it takes a village" thing kicks in and it's some relief.

dennis said...

Wow. I hope everything works for the best!

Tuesday Girl said...

I gree with Nita, the pill can make you crazy even if you didn't just have a baby, you can't have sex until your 6 week check up anyway right?

I would directly ask a friend or you rsister or even your mom to take your son for a little while, a week, even if it is 3 hours to get a break.
I knwo how hard it was alone with the twins with all of my family & friends 1.5 hours away. I had no breaks. Ever.
Remember it is normal and even ok to feel like this.

Melissa said...

Even without the pills, postpartum hormones are enough to make any woman break down and cry. And for no reason!

Mama of 2 said...

Diana -- Take as many deep breaths as you need to and rather than dropping subtle hints just come right out and ask your sister to come and take Little Man or even just come over and hang out with you and the kids. I know for me when Girlie Girlie was first born even just another adult around helped me get through the worst of times.
I want to say this too shall pass but honestly I don't think seeing a therapist or even taking something to even out your hormones is a bad thing. I still take something the week before and week of Aunt Flo just because I couldn't live with the person I was during those times.

Good luck with everything and I wish I was closer cause I certainly would love to help you out. Want to move to PA?