Appointments

I finally gathered up the balls to call my insurance and ask them for a list of therapists that are covered by them, so that I may make an appointment. I need to do something, I feel like throwing myself into traffic sometimes. But, of course I think of that beautiful little boy I have and I can't. He needs me. So I need to make myself a better person for him. The first place I called was a detox center. Hello insurance! I said depression, not drug addict! The second place I called was a man who picks up his own phone because he doesn't have a receptionist. The first question he asked me was "Are you looking for medication?" (crickets in the backround.) "Not specifically, but if that is going to help..." I answered. So I figured if these are the types that are covered by my insurance, then I'll just make an appointment with this guy and if I don't like him then I'll find another. I couldn't go on with the list. I have an appointment in two weeks. We'll see.
My appointment yesterday sucked ass. First of all, I'm in the room naked from the waist down and my gyno walks in and asks "Why are you here?" (Crickets.) Are you fucking kidding me? He finally sits down and looks at my chart and says "Oh..." and starts with the whole "We'll check again and once the labs come in we'll call you and let you know. And just to be on the safe side we'll have you back in six months." He hasn't even seen the labs and he's making appointments for six months. So I get poked and prodded and swabbed and he's done. "We'll let you know." He said as he walked out. Wham, bam, thank you ma'am. Thanks buddy, I feel so much better. He didn't say anything else. I feel like calling the office everyday till they tell me something, because he didn't even say the "Things are looking good" that I used to hear before the baby. But he also didn't say anything negative. I don't know. I didn't eat anything all day yesterday, got into a huge "I hate you, I'm taking the baby and leaving you" fight with Daddy, went to bed with a huge migraine. Good times all around.
So today, my mouth feels numb (WTF is that about?) and I'm a mess. I wish this could all just be over with. The therapy, the gyno appts., the fights...
I need a break from being me.