Wednesday, February 15, 2006


Pouty yep. Valentines Day continued to suck. We went to my mother's house where I COOKED for us. Spaghetti and sausage. Woo-hoo. No gifts. Nothing. I hate being broke. Can't even give gifts to the people you love. My mother gave us cards from Little Man. He signed them with scribbles. That part I loved.

Made an appointment with my gyno for my six month check-up that I was supposed to have in November but (thank you insurance) I missed that. After having Little Man the doc noticed some "abnormal cells" that he said were normal for a woman after she gives birth. "Let's check back in a couple of weeks and see what happens." Two weeks later, cells still look "funny", "Let's do a biopsy, and make sure they aren't cancerous." Go back to the gyno, got some skin scraped out of my coochie, which hurt more than the 'slight discomfort' they said I would feel. Cells came back normal, but still in danger of being pre-cancerous. "See you in six months!" Which, thanks again to my wonderful insurance company became NINE months, and God only knows if I have some sort of cervical cancer or something and it's taking too long to catch and may not be treatable. So now I'm going to my gyno in two weeks for another scraping, and I'm already scared shitless. My cousin just had a hysterectomy (did I spell that right? the spell check isn't working.) due to ovarian cancer that spread to her uterus. "There was nothing they could do for her." was what my mother told me. What if the cells are cancerous? What happens then? What if there's nothing they can do for me? What if having Little Man was the only chance I get at having a baby??? And here I am not appreciating motherhood the way I want to, not being home with him, getting frustrated over stupid shit...

Daddy is scared in his own way, not once does he say a word to me, but his mother told me he was asking her about her paps and cells and cancer...she told him she always gets 'abnormal-looking' cells in her paps and they always turns out to be nothing every time they scraped her. I haven't said anything to my mother because I don't want to scare her for nothing- if it does turn out to be nothing. I told my sister. That's it. No one else knows, except for the whole internet now, but I don't care. Maybe there's someone out there who can offer some advice, a story of what they went through. A drink. Anything.
The appointment is the 27th. I think I will successfully lose the twenty pounds I want to lose before then with all the worrying I'm already doing.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I'd say "don't worry" but any woman is going to worry over this thing. It does indeed happen to lots of women, and the docs are right to watch it, but that doesn't mean it's serious. It could have been a little bruising or old blood fouling your cell samples. Even if it is something they can freeze it off or shave it off just like a dermotologist removes a questionable mole. Then they scrape you a couple more times to make sure its all gone. All done. I was terrified too, but 9 yrs later and no bad paps since, I wish I hadn't worried so.