For my son

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I lay next to you this morning just watching you sleep. I wonder what it is you dream about that makes you smile that way. I wish I could capture the images and lock them away so when you feel pain I can bring them back up and have you smile like that again. Your innocence is remarkable, I sometimes wonder what I have done bringing you into this world full of pain and tears...I wish I could shield you from everything that will be coming your way. You put your arm around me, I wonder if you knew it was me laying next to you, or if your dream was showing you something else. I listened to your steady breathing, falling more and more in love with you with every passing second. Why didn't anyone tell me it would be this way- that I would lay here crying, watching you, wishing all this bullshit away. Last night you were asking to go to Grandma's house, my answer was not acceptable. You kicked and screamed because you wanted to see your 'Wela', and I had to leave the room. I had to hide my tears from you, because I don't want to think of a day when we won't have her. Will you be this way when you are my age? Will you cry while I'm away at a doctor's appointment from pure fear? There will be a day that you will want to be away from me, that you won't want to curl up on my lap and have me smother you with kisses and tickle you. There will be a day that I call out for you and you turn away. The thing is that I now see that there will also be a day that you will want to do it all again.
We'll go visit Grandma today baby, and we will both curl up next to her on the couch and just be with her. We'll wait for the phonecall with her. We'll smother her with kisses...